Send me to Japan!

Donate to the Send Siti to Japan fund please! Any amount will be appreciated :) Thank you!

Of cars, jobs and a nagging feeling...

I passed my driving test! Whoo! Watch out road users! ;)

I also got through the first round of interviews! Yay! Go me!

It's been a pretty good start to the week. :) So why do I feel so damn unsettled?

-----Welcome to Korea!--------------First Breakfast----------Clowns at Dongdaemun----


-----Palace Princesses---------------- Plane to Jeju---------House Number 4 (Jazz Village)


-----Ama romancing me---------Mt. Halla Park------------Caves----------


----Delicious fish!----View from tea museum roof--View from sunrise peak----


---View from somewhere--------Teddy Bear Museum!-----Guard changing ceremony--


-----63 Building-----------View from 63 building-----Hangliding off 63---


-------------Korail!----------------------Halal food!-----------------Nami island------------


----------Strolling-----------------Leaving Nami island----------Coffee prince shop------


------Coffee Princesses-----------------Carousel-----------------------Parade---------------


----Lotte world!-------------Freedom Bridge---------------To Pyongyang----------


---------Panmunjom--------------Once in a Blue Moon Jazz Bar---------------------------


----She sings really well------Incheon Airport at 12am---------Hong Kong MTR--------


----Golfing with Woods-----------Dim Sum Buffet-----------Leaving Hong Kong :(------

Wind-swept...

Ok suddenly had the inspiration (?!) to blog.

So let's start with updates:
- Graduated! In one piece. :) One happy, and still unemployed, piece 2 months on.

- Went to Korea & Hong Kong, which was totally awesome, I wish it would've lasted longer. You know how they say time flies when you're having fun? Yea I don't believe it's over. You know how they also say that time seems to slow down when you're in danger/ a life or death situation? It's not true at all either way of course, time can't slow down or speed up, but in a dangerous situation, your brain tends to pick up more information and "writes" it word-for-word, so to speak, so you don't miss a single detail. So when you play it back in your head it seems to have taken forever because of all the detail written into that memory. For normal memories on the other hand your brain just skims through it and so time doesn't seem to stand still cos there aren't as many details and all you get is a foggy picture of what you've been doing for the past 2 months. Anyway, why can't my brain have taken in more details of Korea. Sigh.

- Got 3 teeth removed and went around toothless for 10 days. I'm getting my braces today! at 3.30pm! :) I want to have a last lunch, before I'm doomed to eat porridge for the rest of my days. Or at least for the next week or so.

- Got 2 haircuts in the space of 2 weeks. One good and one not so.

- Went to Chek Jawa!! YAy! But I didn't get to count seagrass. Instead I was stuck knee-deep in mud. That was an experience that I'd rather not recount. Let's just say that it involved a lot of me screaming like a total bimbo.
Will be going to Semakau this Sunday. Semakau has got to be one of my favourite shores. I love that it's untouched cos you get to see so many interesting creatures and I like the feel of the cool water on my feet when we count seagrass in the little "seagrass lagoon". Too bad it's dangerous to go barefoot on the shore. Let's hope all goes well. :)

Ok now for random thoughts:
One of the things I remember most about my childhood is how I used to love lying down on the grass, on the sand, on the car, anywhere, and just stare at the clouds and their changing shapes and make up stories. I miss doing that.

Everyone seems to be worried about my not having a job. Everyone except me. I like having this free time actually. I have a chance to do some of the things I've always wanted to but never had the time to do. Except, most of those things require money, so I'm still stuck at home. Time and money seem to be exclusive of each other. When you have one, you don't have the other. I want both.

Ok now for a song:
Rain - Priscilla Ahn
I like how it twists the old childhood rhyme. Rain rain, don't go away... Sun can come back another day...

me, the world and the universe

My final final exams are over! It's quite a mix of feelings, but definitely less relief than I expected. I'm now worrying actually. About getting a job and doing the things I want to do before I get stuck in that job and grow old.

I had a whole list of things planned out for post exams, but I think I'll just take things slow. I started with having sushi and reading: Bill Bryson's A Short History of Nearly Everything. Something I've been wanting to do since forever but never got around to doing. I've just started reading it today and it's quite a funny book.

But it got me thinking about my tinyness and my fleeting existence. And it made me feel scared and alone and small. :( There's only one me, and there will only ever be one me. But there are a billion (probably more) other souls out there. But only I can feel and think what I'm feeling right now and no one else knows what it feels like to be me. I suppose you could liken it to being alone in a big crowd of people you don't know. You feel more aware of being you, but at the same time very small and insignificant.

The thing that scares me most is that I can't escape me. Not that I'm not a pleasant person to be with, but that I'm stuck with myself and my thoughts and if you believe in your soul being an entity that "lives" on even after your physical death, then it's going to be a very long and lonely (and boring) wait for eternity to be over. And eternity doesn't end does it? The certainty (and yet uncertainty) of our existence is all very humbling and very frightening at the same time. I don't know if I'm making any sense.

And then it made me think about how everything came to exist in the first place.

If you believe in religion (the Abrahamic faiths at least), then you would believe that God made the universe. Consequently, you'd have to believe that God made himself out of nothing - a concept I still find very difficult to grasp. It seems to go against all logic. I mean how can anything make anything out of nothing? How can something appear when there is nothing to make it appear, nothing to build itself out of? When I was young I always had this image in my head, of hands apprearing out of nothingness and shaping the universe. But then again, there would be no concept of nothingness even, because even an empty void is something. The book I'm reading said something about the universe expanding and growing, but it can't grow into space that's already there because that would mean something existed before it existed in that space, so it has to create new space as it expands. It's just so mind-boggling it gives you a headache and at the end of it you still come to no conclusion.

I think that's where faith comes in. You just have to believe. It's just something that the human mind cannot fathom. Something that's just simply beyond us. It may seem like a defeatist attitude, but if you reason it out, I think it makes more sense to believe that something created all this rather than an infinitesimally small particle appearing out of nowhere and expanding and forming this vast and amazing universe without a plan or direction. There must be something guiding it, something that planned how it would expand to form so many different atoms of different elements and how these atoms come together to form different molecules that all make up our universe. It seems more logical to believe that there is a guiding force behind it all and that it's not just random.

And then once you get your head around that, you wonder, is this how God planned it? Our current existence, with all the diseases and hurt and violence and sadness? The state that our world has come to. Humans treating the Earth like they do. Humans treating each other like they do. Why does God create so much good and then so much that destroys the good? Is it like a need for balance? I guess it makes the world more interesting. Without hardship and trials, we would be nothing more than empty shells. It's what builds character and makes us who we are. I wouldn't trade mine for a utopian existence. That would be sheer madness. As much as I'm a perfectionist, I think I appreciate little imperfections because without imperfection there would be no perfection. (Aha there we go, that balance thing again. Just sneaks up on you.) Would living in a utopia make everyone happy? I think not. You have to experience grief before you can understand what it is to be happy and that works both ways. So I guess our universe does kinda make sense the way it is.

The question of our existence has been around for ages and philosophers have spent entire lives trying to make sense of it. And yet there is still no perfect answer, just one that each different individual can accept, with a little bit of faith. Well, if all else fails, there's always the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything: 42. ;)

I love it when a book does this to me. Hehe. God, I'm truly a nerd aren't I? Sigh.

times are hard for dreamers...

I cannot wait for exams to be over so I can count seagrass again.

I have such big dreams...

so take the photographs and stillframes in your mind...

Today was the final day of school. I actually thought it was Thursday but to my disappointment (or maybe it wasn't such a bad thing) I found out I'd missed a lecture on Thursday so I made up for it today. Well, for the final 2 days of my entire school-going life, the past 2 days were pretty uneventful. Except for the fact that we were rushing to submit our Design II report on Thursday, 3 of us in Ian Rhee's room, surprisingly calm even though some last minute changes had to be made. Thinking back, I think it's times like these that I'll miss. I guess school is more about the people, rather than the modules.

Anyway, the other day, we were sitting at Engin Bridge studying, or at least trying to, and we started talking about regrets. I realised that there were 2 things I regretted most. Firstly, not going for most of my lessons in year 1 and 2, and secondly, not making better use of my time.

The first regret I guess doesn't need much explaination.

The second one... Well, I suppose I should have done something. 4 years and nothing to show for it except a graduation cert. Makes me feel quite unaccomplished. I wanted to pick up photography in my first year, but so far that still hasn't happened. I think IA was a supreme waste of time. Not so much the work, but the things that I could've done after work. I only chose to start driving lessons this year, and I'm getting braces later this year, and I'm thinking of getting a DSLR some time soon. Only in the final sem have I managed to push my lazy ass to do the things that I could've done when I had more time on my hands (i.e. during IA).

But tis not so useful to dwell on regrets. So I'll move on. Or try to.

Anyway, I'm thinking of getting a DSLR. But it's so damn expensive. But it'll be a good start to my career in photography. HAHA right... Cameras don't take pictures, people do. Yes, we've all heard that before, but frankly, my trusty point-and-shoot Fujifilm isn't very trusty anymore. Picture quality is quite bad, everything tends to look super washed out with flash but really blurred without. So I've been reading up on entry-level DSLRs. And I've decided on either the Canon EOS 400D or the Nikon D40, both great cameras for beginners. Now to find someone to fund my photojournalism dream. Any takers?

So yes, until my career in photography takes off, I probably need to find a job elsewhere. Sent out 4 or 5 applications, but haven't heard back from most of them. Except 2. One rejecting me (at least they were nice enough to send me an email, albeit probably computer generated) and another telling me to come down for some test which I didn't go for in the end but that's a long story for another day. Ah well. I was hoping to find a job in some pharmaceutical company, or a rich husband. Whichever comes around first. Yea, so rich guys (or potential rich guys), feel free to send in an email application, and please include a photo.

3 weeks till the end of my exams. I think it'll officially feel OVER then. I'm not really psyched up for the exams. Half of me can't wait for all this to be over. The other half is really gonna miss school. But both halves are feeling pretty apprehensive about this whole working life thing. Being in school, there was always some sort of short term goal; getting through O and A levels, getting a degree. But no matter how I see it, work just seems endless, pointless and goal-less. I don't know, maybe I just don't see the big picture? Am I missing something?

:/

A colon and a slash adequately sums up how I feel about "entering a new phase in life". Sigh...

----------------------------
Song of the moment: Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) - Green Day

Of flus, finals and fashion

I've been down with flu for the past 4 days. Finally getting better, but in the process I missed almost the entire week of school so now I have tons of work to catch up on. Should it be spelt tonnes or tons? It comes from the British units for weight right? Ok, nevermind, dictionary.com says it's fine either way. Don't you love the internet?

Anyway, being sick is great! Lots of rest. And lots of korean dramas. And lots of TV. :) I had to be in school on Friday anyway, so I went to the YIH clinic since it's super cheap. But the doctor was so irritating. After he prescribed me fever/cold/cough medicine, I asked for vitamin C tablets and he said "Anything else??" in a very patronising manner. Sor-ry, sheesh what's with the grumpiness.

Oh ya! Before that I had my first driving lesson in the circuit. I HATE driving that slow. I much prefer driving on the roads, thanks. My goodness, the curbs are always out to attack you and I hate that S-course thingy. And my parallel parking is better than my normal parking. Weird.

So yes, it seems I'm really into this blogging thing nowadays. I mean 3 posts so far this year. That's quite a lot.

I am graduating. Oh my God. I don't believe my final exams will be in 3 weeks time. And they're like the final finals. Then I won't have exams ever. Unless I decide to do my masters in something, which I haven't ruled out. I'm so going to miss being a student. All the discounts, I won't enjoy sushi buffets as much now, although it's only like $1 or $2 more. Oh, to digress a little, Jonathan and I ate almost $100 worth of sushi the other day ;) Sashimi buffet. Try it. It's awesome. Free flow of red plates. Need I say more? Yes, so, back to the point. I don't want to say that I don't want to graduate, because not graduating would suck, but half of me wants to continue studying, because I don't like the responsibility that comes with work. I don't like the real world as they like to call it. And I don't like the job seeking process even more. I haven't actually actively started looking. I have to start soon. Ugh.

Interviewer: "So, tell me, why do you want this job?"
Me: "Well, I don't actually, but my parents are forcing me to work, and I need the money. Is that reason enough?"

Anyway I think the drugs are kicking in. I was gonna wait up for my sister to see what she got me. She went for the Mango Fashion Show at the Singapore Fashion Festival. Wah! So fashion ah?? Yea, so there's this 20% discount thing after the show, so I told her to get me stuff. But now I'm too sleepy though it's only 11.30pm :/ Damn these drugs...

Trading in your car for cash?

Dear people in charge of land transport in Singapore,

Your plan to get people to start trading in their cars for cash and taking public transport sounds good in theory, but it probably won't fly. Yes, people are money-minded, but a car is more than money, it's more like a status symbol. But that's besides the point.

Personally, I think if people didn't care so much about status, the plan might work, but only if Singaporeans practiced better personal hygiene. I am sick of sharing buses and MRTs with people, mostly because they disgust me.

I am sick of having flakes of dandruff fall on my lap or on my notes while I'm on the bus because the person in front of me doesn't bother to wash his or her hair with a good anti-dandruff shampoo, or go see a doctor about the problem. I am sick of sitting beside aunties who clip their nails on the bus and flick it in whichever direction seems convenient (usually towards me). I am also sick of sitting beside ah peks who pick their noses and wipe them on the bottom of the bus seats or on the window ledges. I am sick of having people cough and sneeze without covering their mouths. What's even more disgusting is the number of times I've actually seen people spit on buses. I am sick of finally getting a seat on a TIBS bus only to find that it is soaked through with someone else's sweat. Finally, I am also sick of having to share my buses with cockroaches and smelly people.

These are just some of the grievences I have to air about public transport in Singapore. So until people decide to start bathing and keep all personal grooming within the confines of their own homes, I would prefer to keep my car, thank you.

Yours sincerely,
Me.

(This letter would probably work better if I did actually own a car.)

Beauty in the breakdown

There were two weeks I thought I couldn't survive this sem. Last week was one of them. But, one marketing presentation and 20-page report, one 40-page SMR design report (including writing a program to simulate the SMR from scratch) and one mid-term test later, I'm still alive! So, I'd like to thank my body for not giving up on me although I only gave it less than 3 hours of sleep a night. I'd like to thank my eyes for not going blurry or blind from staring at the computer screen for hours on end and I'd like to thank my computer, although it did sort of die on me once, causing about about half an hour of unimaginable agony, but that's another story. I don't think I've ever worked this hard, ever. So I deserve a break. Or a breakdown. No, there's no need for that, just a break will do. Yes, so yesterday, I treated myself to a mini home spa and sat around all day doing... NOTHING! It felt amazing. I feel amazing. Sigh... Work does, indeed, make play more enjoyable...

Too bad it can't last. I've to catch up on all the work I've missed over the past 2 to 3 weeks while I was busy trying to complete the report. That's 6 hours of marketing lectures, 6 hours of genes, 4 hours of engin prof, and 3 hours of unit ops. A R G H.

Am I glad I'm graduating soon? That question still remains unanswerable...

My problems seem insignificant in the larger scheme of things. Too bad they can't be left out of the equation just because they're negligible. I guess mathematical assumptions don't apply in real life. :/

Things to do this sem (in no particular order):
1) Get through in one piece.
2) Find a job.
3) Smile more, worry less.
4) Design an awesome poster for FYP.
5) Get my driver's license.
6) Be a little more patient with really annoying people.

Crazy old lady

I'm like the crazy old lady with the cats. But it's not my fault, I can't help it if little kids keep bothering me (and my cats)!!

Case in point: kids playing ball under my block.

Why play ball under the block when they have courts provided for you at the nearby playground and at the community centre? If you're so afraid of getting sunburnt, then just stay home. Anyway, it's 5.30pm and there's as much sun shining out there as there is in my ass. And no, there's no sunshine in my ass. Yea, so there are these kids, and they're screaming, right under my window, and I'm trying to study. I go down, ask them to either shut the hell up or go away, but in a much nicer way. (My exact words were, "Hey, you guys are a little noisy and anyway you're not even supposed to play ball under the block. So could you please go play somewhere else? Like the basketball court or playground or something?") They said ok and I happily went back upstairs, thinking they'd be gone, but noooooooo..... They had to continue playing or making noise or whatever it is they do.

So that got me really pissed off. No more Little Miss Nice. I went down, making sure to slam my gate as hard as I could on the way out (I had to check for any cracks later. Fortunately no cracks, but just a lot of rust on the floor, the gate's kinda old), and came down to an empty void deck! (haha empty void, that's kinda redundant huh) Apparently, upon hearing the gate slam and fearing for their lives, the kids ran across the grass to the safety of the pavement by the road, BUT, they left one of their own there. Poor kid was picking up the balls while his friends left him to die. Said poor kid also got screamed at: "Speaking to you nicely won't work huhhh??!" He apologised and they all left.

Crazy old woman: 1, Noisy kids: 0.

:)

Wow, I'm not usually one to complain about how "fat" I am, but man! Where did this stomach come from?! Haha there goes one month of fasting.

Festive celebrations are always packaged with sore throats. :/

There wasn't much of a festive mood this year though. But I'm glad my sister's back for Raya. Although she's not so glad, cos she's working, and that means giving out money to little children. Ew.

I crumble, like my cookies.

I thought cleaning your room was supposed to make you feel a lot better. I suppose clearing out all the junk in my room kinda relieved some pent up stress/anger, and it did make me feel like I accomplished something. And a change in the layout helps too. Now my desk faces the window. Good feng shui. I hope.

Change is good, yes. They're delivering our new bookshelves on Friday. We could open a library in here.

As good as cleaning makes you feel, the process sucks. Don't get me started on the dust. Just thank God I found the face masks. And then there are the things you come across while cleaning up that bring back memories. Memories of things you'd rather not remember, like hospital receipts and ex-boyfriends. And being the overly sentimental girl I am, I can't bring myself to throw some of these things away, although my motto this year was "No mercy!" And I planned to bin everything that hasn't been touched in a year. It's such a waste of space! I swear, and such a big headache to think of places to store these "memories", and these things will probably never be used or looked at anytime in the next year, until spring-cleaning time comes by again. Wait, I can't even call it spring-cleaning it's like autumn now? Oh wait I forgot, Singapore has the same lousy weather all year round. Why are girls so sentimental? It's really annoying. Anyway, more recent junk, movie tickets etc, and the emotions they evoke make me wonder if I'm actually falling for a certain someone. I guess it's a little too late now? We don't go out as often as we used to. Come to think of it, we used to go out too often. But "too often" was good for me. I liked "too often". But I guess school's started, so we're both kinda busy. Anyway, issues of the heart aren't a top priority right now, so *shrug*. No use mulling over it.

Anyway, I spent the whole day cleaning, but I couldn't get my mind off work. It doesn't help that the Biochem Eng test is next week and I really have to do well for this one cos I screwed up the last one (strange, I subconsciously typed "scored on the last one" haha I wish...). And Design project, and FYP and job applications, which I haven't started on. I don't even know who I'd like to be my professional reference. I hardly know any of my professors. Damn the big cohort, and me for not giving more of a damn in the past 3 years. I'm really hating this semester. It's a reality check. And it's too much of a shock for me to absorb all at once. And this sem is really too much mannn. There's constantly work to be done and I have hardly any time to breathe.

I want to go to Brazil. Yea, came across my plans while clearing up. Hah! Obviously they never materialised. Ugh.

Oh it's what you do to me...

I don't want to lose a friend, but I like things the way they are now.
No commitments, just us, having fun, doing silly things, like old times.
I know it can't stay like this indefinitely. I can't decide how I feel about it all.
I'm falling back into my comfort zone. That's just what you do to me.
It's not the same with anyone else.
Human beings are creatures of habit. You're a habit I can't seem to break.

Song of the moment: Hey There Delilah - Plain White T's.

the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.

School has started, and so has my FYP. I quite like having things to do. It lends some direction to my life. Work makes having fun more fun. Does that make any sense?

Well... No insightful thoughts, no juicy news, just here to say that I'm still alive, but not exactly kicking, not with this twisted ankle anyway.. ;)

The heart has reasons which reason knows nothing of...

Coincidences

I was reading something on probability, chances and coincidences, and they claim that it's possible to calculate the probability of incidents occuring at the same time (coincidences) and that it all basically boils down to numbers.

Sounds highly plausible, I guess, but doesn't that deprive your life of the beauty of coincidences. I think there's something sort of magical about coincidences. Like there's some strange power governing our lives. It can't just all be dictated by numbers can it? But when you think about it, coincidences only gain meaning when you give them meaning. You attach meaning to these events, so that they become meaningful coincidences, because you want to believe that these things happen for a reason. And sometimes you probably think too much, trying to dissect these events to figure out why they happen in that way. You wonder if it's a sign, or if it's fate? But then again, maybe coincidences are just something that we choose to believe in, that we fabricate, so as to give some meaning to the events that occur in our lives.

So was it just merely coincidence? Or was it something more?

Closure

I broke up with Jonathan. I'm not going to explain myself, but I figured enough is enough. Now I'm seeking closure. But it's quite hard when he keeps trying to win me back. I highly doubt that's possible though. I think it's too little, too late, and I'm sticking to my decision.

It's quite hard, voluntarily "losing" someone you've shared so much with for the past 4 years. And sometimes I wish he'd just let me be. Just for a little while, so I can get my life back on track.

It'd be much easier that way. You know, out of sight, out of mind?
Heh... When you seek closure, do you actually seek to forget?

You said you couldn't meet me for dinner cos you needed to study... But to take a "break" you play WoW, which probably takes more of your time than dinner does.
Tell me, how is that fair?